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For instance: “I’ve noticed that you seem upset when we talk about things you could do differently in your job. Is there a different way you’d like me to handle these conversations? And if that’s met with defensiveness too, then follow it with, “What’s happening right now is an example of what concerns me.

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I’ve noticed that when I ask you work questions, you’re very thorough — you always give me a lot of information, which is great in some situations, but often I really just need a quick answer.

I want to make sure that I can get info quickly from you, and that you’re not spending a lot of time or energy giving me more context than I need.

Frankly, defensiveness is something of a performance issue if it prevents her from hearing (and people from giving) feedback.

So I’d address it forthrightly if it happens (here or any other time) — kindly, of course, but forthrightly.

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