Boundaries in dating by cloud and townsend
They make this statement: When two people together take responsibility to do what is best for the marriage, love can grow. Unfortunately, I’ve never seen the fixing and helping actually fix or help anything.
I wish I could tell you that having good boundaries will for sure fix your life into exactly what you want it to be, right now, today.Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written a marvelous book called Boundaries in Marriage.They define a boundary simply as “a property line” between one person and another.But the truth is, real boundaries are a risky thing. The truth is, life is scary and it hurts and sometimes I get mad and I wish I could control it and manipulate it and fix it and tie it up in a pretty pink bow.But in my saner moments I know this: I will choose freedom and responsibility, and an honest mess of love that hurts over the fake-perfection of pretend, every time.God’s love for us is a sacrificial love, not a controlling love.
He loves us, and He lets us choose whether or not to be in a close relationship with Him. The Father’s love never wavered, but he let that kid go into the far country and live in a pigsty until he was ready to come home.
That, I think, is a dynamic that so many couples dealing with a pornography addiction can understand. When fixing and helping don’t work, there is another way: boundaries.
The addict is addicted, and the spouse takes responsibility to “fix” and help. Fixing and helping is what happens when you’ve got a problem in the family. But boundaries are a total paradigm shift, and it takes time for us to be motivated enough—usually by extreme pain—to stop fixing and helping, and get some boundaries in place.
They are sure that boundaries are selfish, mean, unloving, and just too scary.
It is true that, with boundaries, my husband makes choices for himself, and those choices are not always what I want. That’s hard, and I have to learn to trust that God will be with me, even when I am scared and disappointed and hurt and angry. It is also true that, with boundaries, I make choices for myself, and those choices are not always what my husband wants. I have had to learn to trust that the he will be okay, even if I disappoint him.
Because when we hold onto our boundaries, and battle through with God’s help, there is real love and real relationship and real freedom waiting at the end of the road.